On Saturday, we started on what I like to think of as our Royal Progress. First we are travelling to Malmesbury to spend the night with our friend, Peter, and then on to Llanwenarth Cottage to stay 2 nights courtesy of our friend Jane. Tuesday sees us progressing (Royally, of course) to Kington in Herefordshire to stay in the house of another friend, Sara.

Malmesbury was ready for us. Police and Royal Protection squad were everywhere, ensuring  we were conducted safely to Peter’s house, a beautiful 18th Century weaver’s cottage. On further investigation, we discover Prince Charles is going to a concert at the Abbey so the high-level policing isn’t for us at all. We progress anyway.

During the course of the evening, for some reason or other, I mention the way Mark gets into bed. He launches himself like a diver entering the water. I think it’s odd. I sit on the side and bring my feet up, then lie down. I thought everyone got into bed that way. But I was wrong! I ask Peter the same question. “How do you get into bed?” For some reason, this question appears to strike terror into people as though they will be found out by answering incorrectly. He is flustered. He flaps his hands in the air. He puts his hands over his face. He lets out a series of wails. “I don’t know!” he says. “I can’t remember.” How can you not remember how you get into bed? Just picture yourself doing it in your head. “I think I get in feet first.” Feet first? “Yes, definitely.” How do you get into bed feet first? Do you stand on the bed? Do you put one foot up and then vault onto the bed? This sounds even more strange than Mark’s method. He cannot remember how it works. He knows it is feet first but cannot describe the mechanics of it and I cannot visualise it in my head. We are at an impasse. I decide to ask other people to describe how they get into bed. Feel free to add your own (tasteful) descriptions.